Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
