We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
