my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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