My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
