so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
