Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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