I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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