we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
