if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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