Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
