i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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