She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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