oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
