You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i will never coherently bang her
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
