then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize