Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize