New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
