Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
