I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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