Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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