I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize