I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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