When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
