I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
