I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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