I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
