All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
