I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
