Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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