i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
