You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
