i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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