do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
