my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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