he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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