I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
