You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
