If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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