This is not my ceiling
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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