the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
