as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
