he wants to bone in the snuggie
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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