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I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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