I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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