I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
