Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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