Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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