hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
