She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
