Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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