Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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