dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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