They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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