I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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