i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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