hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
